No time to read this? Why not find something to study instead? A1 – Beginner/Elementary | A2 – Pre-Intermediate | B1 – Intermediate | B2 – Upper-Intermediate | C1 – Advanced | C2 – Proficiency | What’s my level? | Italian level test

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Buondì.

Just how good are you at conjugating Italian verbs?

That’s what’s known as ‘clickbait’, so a word or phrase which functions – like a wriggling worm on a fisher’s hook – to get you to ‘bite’ by clicking the link or, in this case, reading the article.

Feel tricked? Then click away now. Ciao ciao!

Curious what I have to say about conjugating Italian verbs and keen to add your two cents’ worth? Allora…

Stefi, Bug and I were watching the American legal drama series Suits last evening, in the dark, this being Stef’s preferred system for coaxing two and a half year old Bug from frentic play to angelic sleep.

In each episode, smartly-dressed lawyers, and their beautiful and absurdly high-heeled female personal assistants and paralegals, work to resolve a case.

The protagonist, Mike, has a secret. Watch the series, or click the Wikipedia page I linked to above – they’re having a donations appeal, by the way – to find out what it is.

But Mike also a superpower, which I’ll reveal in a moment.

Superpowers are a staple of comics, TV series, movies and so on, though arguably less common in older forms of entertainment, such as literature, opera and so on, in which the protagonists are more normal, with human-failings that contribute to their sticky ends.

Not so in Suits, where Mike and his colleagues seem to win every case. Mike’s boss is clever and ruthless, while Mike himself, as I mentioned, has his superpower. Together, they always triumph.

Besides being nice, appealing to beautiful women, and empathetic with clients (personally, I’m only occasionally nice, though often kind to young animals) Mike has an eidetic/photographic memory, which helps him recall details from hundreds or thousands of pages of legal documents in an instant, and so provide suggestions that help crack this episode’s case.

Funnily enough, the previous Netflix series we watched at bedtime, Young Sheldon, also featured someone with superpowers, in that instance a child ‘genius’ who could remember everything he’d ever seen or heard since birth, so providing the scriptwriters with plenty of opportunities for laughs.

The Wikipedia article(s) on this topic are worth a look (and why not give them money while you’re there?) but in short, and I quote,

“eidetic memory is reported to occur in a small number of children and is generally not found in adults, while true photographic memory has never been demonstrated to exist.”

You went to school, I assume. How many child geniuses do you remember?

And in your adult life, how many of your friends, neighbours, colleagues, and so on appear to have truly exceptional abilites?

There’s an impresssive woman I chat to in the park, the mom of one of Bug’s friends, possibly his best friend when they’re both having a good day, so playing not fighting.

She’s a ‘dada’ in a ‘scuola materna’ (pre-school). Don’t bother looking ‘dada’ up in a dictionary, or online, as I did, as I couldn’t find any definition to link to. Sorry.

But a ‘dada’ (‘dado’ if he’s a guy, like ‘dado Pietro’) is a colloquial term for an adult who works with very young children.

Picture a person with superhuman levels of patience, and a seemingly unfeigned interest in the doings of small children, and you’ll get the idea.

Anyway, I’ve always admired Bug’s friend’s mom’s exceptional enthusiasm and superhuman restraint, at least until the other day when she was smoking something home-made and appeared to be high. So, not a superpower then…

Which brings me back to Mike from Suits, Young Sheldon, and conjugating Italian verbs, of which the club’s Verb Index features hundreds (we had a clutch of interns with nothing more useful to do than manually create the HTML webpages…)

Appropriately, the first verb in the list is ‘Abbaiare‘ (to bark), which is regular, so theoretically ‘easy’.

I scanned the ‘indicativo’ conjugations, which I mostly recognised, though I wouldn’t have got ‘abbaiate’, ‘abbaiavate’ or ‘abbaiasti’ (Would you? Full marks!), then on down through the ‘congiuntivo’, ‘condizionale’ and ‘imperativo’, which I recognised in parts but no way could reconstruct if the page ever got deleted by accident…

And ‘to bark’ is a regular verb – just imagine how I’d get on with an irregular one!

I tested myself with the most obvious irregular verb I could think of, ‘fare‘ (if you don’t know what that is in English, you have some work to do…)

Expecting the worst, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I recognised at least as many of the irregular ‘fare’ conjugations as I had for ‘to bark’, probably more. Pat on the back, Papà D!

But thinking about it, that’s precisely the point. What you need to know about Italian (or any language) are the most common patterns. Only.

Hold on a sec before letting the outrage set in.

Language, you’ll accept, is a ‘communication tool’. Right?

And the more (normal) people who ‘know’ how to use it, the more useful it is, and consequently the more it’s worth investing in? With me?

Language – as an idea – works because it’s accessible to most potential users and so useful. If you were the only occupant of Planet Earth, you’d have little need for it and may as well spend your time gardening or chasing butterflies.

Moving on, if a given language is mostly accessible to any member of the community in which it’s commonly used, and valuable to all only if it’s ‘easy’ enough for most people to pick up (while a child, or as an adult learner) in a few years, then…

Eidetic/photographic memory should not be required!

Nor years of boring memorisation, or Bug and his fisty friend wouldn’t bother.

Here’s another interesting quote from the Wikipedia article (give them cash):

Each year at the World Memory Championships, the world’s best memorizers compete for prizes. None of the world’s best competitive memorizers in these competitions has claimed to have a photographic memory.

Cioè, were you to enter the World Conjugating Italian Verbs Championships, you’d need train yourself in memory systems to have any chance of winning.

Does an average Italian have near-perfect recall of the indicativo, congiuntivo and imperativo moods of the many thousands of Italian verbs they’ll encounter in their lives?

Do they heck.

Normal people using languages typically employ a limited range of familiar items (words, expressions) while recognising (or like me, being able to guess at) a much wider range, given appropriate context.

I didn’t know, to use I mean, the word ‘eidetic’ before writing this article, but I didn’t have any problem figuring it out when I read on Wikipedia that handsome young lawyer Mike is supposed to have this ability. And I still can’t spell it. Each time I have to type ‘eidetic’ I double check with the Wikipedia article.

Similarly, I could guess at ‘abbaiaste’ if I saw it in a narrative text (you, plural, remote past) but I just had to check the number of ‘b’s, and typed ‘ia’ instead of ‘ai’ at the first attempt.

And without context I wouldn’t have known ‘abbaiaste’ from ‘abbaiate’ (you, plural, present).

Just how good are you at conjugating Italian verbs?

If the answer is either ‘really bad’ or ‘really good’ then I’d suggest you rethink your priorities.

Gold, Silver and Bronze medal winners of the ‘World Conjugating Italian Verbs Championships’ all have unhappy marriages, poor relations with their kids, and no friends (only joking, guys!)

But if you struggle with ‘Come stai?? ‘Cosa fai?’ and ‘Che cosa vuoi ora??’ then you won’t be a lot of use as a babysitter.

Good enough is good enough. Anything more is wasted effort, and time you could have spent in bars.

Anything less, on the other hand, is – obviously – not good enough.

How to know what ‘enough’ is?

Close the books and the apps and instead get reading, listening and, ideally, interacting with real people.

Give it a couple of hundred hours, maybe a thousand or two, and you’ll know.

From the club’s FAQ:

How can I comment on an article?

Articles are emailed to club members weekly. Comments are welcome, but you need to do that from the club website, not from the emailed article.

1. Visit the website and scroll down the homepage until you see the title of the most recent article, or if it’s an older article you want to comment on, look for it here: https://onlineitalianclub.com/blog/
2. Click the TITLE of the article. That’ll take you to the dedicated ‘article page’;
3. Scroll down to the very bottom of the ‘article page’ to read any other comments that people have left, and below that to find the ‘Leave a reply’ box;
4. Fill it in, then press the black POST COMMENT button. Your email address is required but won’t be published (fake one, if you’re sensitive about these things…)
5. Comments need to be manually approved before publication, as an anti-spam measure, which could take minutes, hours or a whole day. But all genuine comments will be published. Be patient!

Alla prossima settimana!

What I’m reading/watching this week

Here’s a new feature!!

This week I’m reading ‘Io, Claudio’ di Robert Graves, in Italian, obviously, as I got the ebook from the Bologna library app. Sadly, it’s not free, or I’d link to some place you could download it. But it is pretty good! English title: I, Claudius.

‘Suits’ I already mentioned (Netflix, in English). At the weekend we watched The Shipping News, also on Netflix. And Bug is watching ‘Marv‘ (about a cleaning robot) on Youtube, also in English. He doesn’t seem to care much which language he watches, as long as it’s TV. Catch’em young!

P.S.

Don’t forget, will you, to read/listen to Tuesday’s bulletin of news from EasyItalianNews.com.

Reading/listening practice will help you consolidate the Italian you’re studying, expand your vocabulary, and build vital comprehension skills.

EasyItalianNews.com is FREE to read/listen to.

Subscribing, and so receiving all three text + audio bulletins of ‘easy’ news via email each week -on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays – is also FREE.

Just enter your email address on this page and click the confirmation link that will be sent to you.

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OnlineItalianClub.com | EasyItalianNews.com | Shop (ebooks) | Shop (online lessons)

OnlineFrenchClub.com | OnlineSpanishClub.com | OnlineGermanClub.com

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No longer interested?

All bulk emails we send (including this one) contain an unsubscribe link, usually at the bottom. Scroll down to find it, click the link and select ‘unsubscribe’. That will permanently remove your email address from our ebooks mailing list.

No time to read this? Why not find something to study instead? A1 – Beginner/Elementary | A2 – Pre-Intermediate | B1 – Intermediate | B2 – Upper-Intermediate | C1 – Advanced | C2 – Proficiency | What’s my level? | Italian level test

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Buondì.

Our first website was put together by an expensive web developer and his equally-expensive graphic designer girlfriend, who I was teaching English to at the time.

That was back in 2005, when I was laid off from a job at the British Council, so foolishly decided to open an English language school here in Bologna. “People will always need to learn English”, I thought. Hah!

I didn’t have much to do with the site itself, though I remember writing the texts and choosing the photos during the start-up phase. It seemed likely that the new business would be a success so I planned to get on with being the boss and leave the technical bits and pieces to contractors.

How wrong that turned out to be. The school’s first year was a disaster, with many fewer students than hoped for, and expenses far out-weighing income. Needless to say we didn’t pay ourselves. My parents sent money each month so their grandchildren wouldn’t starve.

Scratching around for ideas on how to survive the second year, we decided to duplicate the website (by changing the colours, text and logo) and so present ourselves to the world as also an Italian language school. I bought a paperback book on HTML (useful for understanding how webpages were then constructed) and taught myself the basics.

Not long after, in 2006 it would have been – more or less exactly twenty years ago – our embryonic Italian language school attracted its first two clients, a young woman from Switzerland and a chap from Greece, who didn’t get on at all. On the first day they each asked where the other students were…

While selling English courses to Italians had been and remained bloody hard work (we finally gave up after the Covid lockdowns), everyone seemed to want to come to Italy and learn Italian!

The website got ‘traffic’, the ‘traffic’ ‘converted’ into sales, we hired teachers, and away we went! Fun, fun, fun ’til her daddy takes the T-Bird away. And all down to the website.

But her daddy did take the T-Bird away. ‘Social media’ was already picking up momentum, and the faster it went, the more time and energy it demanded from us. At one point we had Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin and Youtube accounts.

At first ‘Social media’ seemed to be a great opportunity to spread the word, and for free! But soon the algorithms changed, and the only way to get seen, even by our own students, was to start paying for advertising.

At least with a website, once you’d put in the time and energy to create it and promote it, it was yours. As were any resulting profits. But creating ‘content’ for the platforms seemed fruitless, just a way to make the ‘tech bros’ wealthy.

Worse, anyone could compete on social media platforms, and anyone did. Given that youth employment in Italy was always so dreadful, just about every young Italian with a laptop or smartphone fancied themselves as an Italian teacher cum social media star. Ho hum.

In the end I decided to quit social media and focus only on websites. There wasn’t the time to do everything, and it was clear that for a micro business we’d never have the resources to pay professionals to do it for us.

But where to get that vital ‘traffic’ from? By now it seemed that everyone had a website, and that Google, which was the only search engine that counted, prioritised older, more-established businesses, the ones that lots of other older, more-established businesses already linked to.

Social media had become hard and expensive. And we were no longer ahead of the pack in getting our Italian language school onto the first page of Google’s ‘organic’ search results.

It was the end of an era, and one which had barely lasted ten years.

So what to try next?

The solution turned out to be ‘content marketing’, so initially publishing articles about learning Italian on the school website (find them here, all dated 2013-15), then subsequently building OnlineItalianClub.com, with its free exercises and entertaining articles.

Finally, from 2018 onwards, there’s been EasyItalianNews.com, which many club members appear not to have discovered yet. Hint hint.

Once again, and for a decade or so, we had a strategy which worked. I had fun, creating material and writing about language-learning, Google sent us ‘traffic’, and the result was a steady trickle of new students, who mostly loved the school and its teachers, so returned year after year.

This morning I received an email from WPengine, which hosts some of our websites, delivering bad news.

50% of traffic to websites these days isn’t even human, apparently.

Referals from Google are DECLINING BY A THIRD YEAR ON YEAR.

If I wanted our businesses to survive, I’d better make sure its websites were optimised both for the increasingly occasional visits from actual humans and for the much more important and soon be dominant A.I. users.

The article concluded:

“The web is evolving fast. Success is no longer about websites that get the most page views or highest SERP rankings, but to those that provide the most machine-readable data to the agents facilitating today’s AI-driven buyer journey.”

Oh dear. That sounds like a bore, don’t you think?

End of an era (again).

All that said Tuesday’s bulletin of ‘easy’ Italian news featured a story about how an organisation representing British authors has created a logo to certify that a given book is ‘Human Authored’, that is so say NOT written by A.I.

They don’t mention website articles, but I can assured you that I typed every single word of this, which you can verify by looking for typos.

I was never great at spelling in any case, and spell checkers weren’t an option when writing in one language about another. Browse the “Best of OnlineItalianClub.com” page and you’ll find missing apostrophes, erroneous double letters, and misremembered applications of the “i before e, except after c” rule going all the way back to 2012!

See? It’s really I. Or really me, whichever.

“How did this article help me learn Italian?” you may be wondering.

Una domanda valida, an Italian might concede.

It probably won’t help wean you off social media.

And it likely won’t sell any ebooks, online lessons or Italian courses at our school in Bologna (though you can’t blame me for trying…)

But it might, at least, drive some ‘traffic’ to the club’s website (there are links to the club’s free materials at the very bginning of each article) and/or encourage people to read and listen to the ‘easy news’ articles (details are in the P.S. below).

Alla prossima settimana!

(This artikel was human-ortherd.)

P.S.

And here’s the usual reminder to read/listen to Tuesday’s bulletin of news from EasyItalianNews.com.

Reading/listening practice will help you consolidate the Italian you’re studying, expand your vocabulary, and build vital comprehension skills.

EasyItalianNews.com is FREE to read/listen to.

Subscribing, and so receiving all three text + audio bulletins of ‘easy’ news via email each week -on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays – is also FREE.

Just enter your email address on this page and click the confirmation link that will be sent to you.

+++

OnlineItalianClub.com | EasyItalianNews.com | Shop (ebooks) | Shop (online lessons)

OnlineFrenchClub.com | OnlineSpanishClub.com | OnlineGermanClub.com

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No longer interested?

All bulk emails we send (including this one) contain an unsubscribe link, usually at the bottom. Scroll down to find it, click the link and select ‘unsubscribe’. That will permanently remove your email address from our ebooks mailing list.