15 years in Italy and I’m beginning to understand why Italians make me furious at times.
And why my Italian wife thinks I’m a boor.
Say “Ciao” to the man, darling!
We’re sitting at the reception desk of a language school in Italy, chatting with the pre-schoolers arriving for their English courses.
Some kids are just three years old. Cute, but reluctant to interact with an adult stranger with a beard and a funny accent.
Thousands of generations of evolution have made little kids like that.
You’d worry about a child who was incautious with strangers, right?
Survival of the shyest.
Anyway, I’m big enough not to take offense when a thigh-high female ignores me.
I’ll still say “Ciao”, knowing that, as the school year progresses, she’ll likely gain some confidence and maybe, one day, start talking back.
That’s the way little kids are.
The problem is the mothers.
The shy little girl not replying to my “Ciao” triggers a humiliated frenzy of “Say ‘Ciao’ to the man, darling”, “Say, ‘Ciao’…”, “Say ‘Ciao’ NOW”, “Oh, I’m so, so, so sorry… She must learn to say ‘Ciao'”.
Apologetic looks. Red face. General awkwardness.
I’m not getting what the big issue is.
I’m going, “Oh don’t worry… It’s normal, Signora…. Don’t worry. It’s the age. All children behave like this.”
(Meaning please, stop breaking the poor kid’s balls about this trivial crap on my account).
You didn’t say “Hello” (again!)
My wife and I are walking down the street, deep in conversation.
Someone on the other side of the street, who I have NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE, says “Hello”, possibly in our direction.
My wife breaks off what she was saying to me, turns and begins to wave, and shout cheerful things in rapid Italian.
I’m rather offended that our conversation apparently meant so little. Surely a cheerful wave would have done?
But obviously not. Never mind. We walk on.
Now the atmosphere is frosty, though.
What’s the matter? Nothing. No, really. What’s up? Why do you have to be SO RUDE? Me? Rude? Whaddidido?
I didn’t say “Hello”, apparently.
Again. And it’s not the first time. I HAVE been told.
I’m gratuitously rude. Always. It’s a wonder I have any friends at all…
Salutations: perfunctory but obligatory
You arrive at a party in Italy. You hug your host, kiss him or her on both cheeks (Personally I try to avoid it).
Get yourself a drink. Thanks, I will. Chat to you later. Yes later.
You wander into the living room, which is filling up with people. You find yourself a glass of something, wait a few moments to adjust to your surroundings, then maybe join a conversation, or perhaps introduce yourself to someone standing nearby. Without intruding, of course.
You bloody rude foreigner you.
No, what you ought to have done is to go around the room (clockwise, anti-clockwise, your choice) saying “Piacere” + your name, to each and every person there.
No kidding.
Like this:
“Piacere, Daniel”. “Piacere, Mario.”
“Piacere, Daniel”. “Piacere, Maria.”
“Piacere, Daniel”. “Piacere, Mona.”
“Piacere, Daniel”. “Piacere, Monia.”
“Piacere, Daniel”. “Piacere, Massimo.”
“Piacere, Daniel”. “Piacere, Massimiliano.”
and so on.
Look them in the eye. Look confident, you’re being weighed up. Don’t forget to shake hands.
When you’ve done the whole damn room (don’t forget the woman changing a nappy whose hands are covered in poo), THEN you can get a drink. Not before.
By the way, you won’t be expected to remember anyone’s name. And they won’t remember yours.
The whole thing is a formality. Talking of which…
A toast!
Dinner party.
Salute! (Good health!)
But please don’t just wave your glass vaguely around at the other guests like that.
Non va bene.
No, you have to click everyone’s glass individually.
Really.
Even if it means getting up and stretching across the person next to you, or walking around the table.
Each person present must be individually toasted, or you’ll be toast, socially that is.
I could go on…
People are the same all over the world. But also different.
A lot of the differences are very obvious, so easy to handle.
But the ones you don’t immediately recognise can really get under your skin.
Offending others without meaning to can be damaging (better to wait until you really want to be rude).
So watch out for these insidious cultural differences, or your wife will think you’re a boor too.
Anyone got any examples of cultural differences to add? There must be lots, lots more…
Leave a comment!
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Sieglind D'Arcy says
That is one of the things I find so wonderful about Italy! It may all be perfunctory but at least there is acknowledgement of other humans around you. We do the hand-shaking bit in Germany too but omit the kisses. I think it beats the custom in English-speaking countries (I may be doing some of them an injustice here as my observation is mainly based on Australia) where you can practically trip over another person and they will still avoid eye contact, never mind any other interaction, at all cost.
Daniel says
Hi Sieglind!
Yes, I suppose you could look at it from that point of view… You must be a much more positive person than me!
There are some aspects of life in Italy that I find charming and “better”. One example, as mentioned indirectly in the article, is how it’s possible (indeed encouraged) to interact with (other people’s) children. The way kids are treated here is much healthier than in my own country, in my view.
In general, also, it’s a lot easier to talk to people and form relationships in Italy. Making friends seems effortless.
However, the greetings formalities that I wrote about in the article don’t necessarily mean that we are acknowledging others, or if so, only in a very superficial way. It’s more a question of conforming to group norms, something which is very powerful in Italy.
And as with the “lei” form, sometimes formal ways of speaking and behaving are an effective shield behind which to conceal uncivil or uncaring behavior…
Sergey Trofimov says
Ciao Daniel!
Ho letto il tuo articolo sulle diversità culturale, e’ molto interessante e divertente. Molte grazie! Purtroppo, non avevo un’esperienza del contatto prolungato con i rappresentanti di altre culture. Certo, ho viaggiato molte volte all’estero, ma solo come un turista. La gente locale si riferisce ai turisti sempre con la gentilezza e indulgenza, nessuno si aspetterebbe dai turisti le maniere impeccabili. Tuttavia, ho sempre osservato attentamente i modi di comportamento delle persone in paesi diversi ed ho cercato di attenermi le loro tradizioni. A volte questo era piuttosto difficile, ad esempio, visitare la sauna pubblica in Germania completamente nudo. 🙂
Daniel says
Posso immaginare, Sergey…
Ma come scrivi bene in italiano!
Sergey Trofimov says
Grazie per il complimento! Sto imparando l’Italiano per un anno, principalmente sul sito busuu.com